.. Was what someone asked me last night. And I got to thinking that what life might be like for that person if they no longer had their emotional issue.. inspiring this post.
If you have a chronic emotional problem, and you can clearly recognise it as an issue but struggling to move forward, you may be held back from resolving it because of a ‘pay-off’: there is *something* to do with this problem that you are getting something positive from. Even if that something is only a perceived something.
EFT is very simple and straightforward, yet often times when people are asking for help and I show them how to do EFT, there is an excuse or a reason why now is not a good time, that it will be done later. And it’s not done. Or they stop after one round and feel better in the moment but don’t follow through to resolution of their issue. Even if their belief in EFT is solid and they truly want to do it. Some even want to feel better BEFORE they use it!
What kinds of things are pay-offs then?
Some examples of pay-offs in action:
In a situation where someone is highly anxious about something bad happening to their child, letting go of the anxiousness may mean (to them) that they are welcoming that something bad. They are no longer protecting their child. Why would they choose that? So they are stuck feeling anxious. They NEED to be anxious, even if it’s causing a number of issues in their life
In a situation where someone is suffering from chronic tiredness and flatness of mood, no longer being this way may mean they will no longer be looked after, and may have more responsibility. Less allowances and leeway. If the person is lacking love and self-love, they would struggle to say goodbye to that nurturing and caring, even if it makes them unable to function completely. And yes, emotions are powerful enough to lead to physical symptoms such as tiredness. Feeling unloved in itself may be enough to cause a flatness.
If someone has had an emotional issue for most of their life, no longer having it may mean to them that they would be agreeing to their life being completely different and changed forever. Change can be scary, and the known can seem safest, even if it’s known suffering.
A person with a fear of abandonment knows they are worrying excessively when their family members go out to the shops, but the potential of losing them forever keeps them from being able to just “let go”. They believe they need to keep the fear and worry to keep their family safe.
An emotional eater knows their habits aren’t doing them any good physically, but the way the food and the eating makes them feel in the heat of the moment makes it very difficult to ‘just stop’. Stopping may mean facing a pain or a hurt and looking something square in the face. Facing things may open an emotional can of worms that the sufferer may feel is worse than the eating.
These pay-offs are very real (and therefore powerful) even if they may not make logic sense on the surface. The sufferer may also begin to see the way the pay-offs are keeping them stuck, yet not know how to get beyond it, so they have their problem as well as frustration with themselves. A true inner argument!
How can we move forward if we have a pay-off situation happening?
The sufferer may have very good support, such as psychologists, trusted general practitioners and loving friends. But until they resolve the issue within themselves, they will remain stuck due to the pay-off.
There is a part within them, an aspect of them, if you will, that doesn’t want to get better. And THAT is who we need to talk to. We need to consider that aspect as a separate person to the one who is suffering and wanting to get better and what they need. We can do that using EFT and tapping for specific aspects.
Example tapping phrases: “The aspect that believes change is bad”, “The aspect that believes they have to control things for them to be okay”, “The aspect that is scared to feel her feelings”, “The aspect that believes she is unworthy of love”. While tapping, these things may unfold into reminders of specific situations in their lives. Such as a time when there was a big change and it really DID mean something bad happened. That may have been the case once, but doesn’t mean it needs to repeat forever, remaining solid as a belief. It was an event which had an impact on their energy body – and energy can be evolved!