Don’t be scared of acknowledging hate

It is so inspiring to see many motivational posters, quotes and images coming up in my Facebook news feed lately. People are writing and liking and sharing messages of positivity, letting go and manifesting the best version of ourselves and our lives. Awesome!

The downside of committing to being more positive and living in line with these messages is that there becomes a fear of giving attention to anything negative. We are becoming conditioned to focus ONLY on the positive, smile, be helpful, caring, selfless, stop and smell the roses, just being in this hectic world. Where does anything negative fit into that, if that negativity is what we’re troubled by? Can we just deny the negative stuff so it goes away? And does that work?

In comparison to affirmations, where we focus on positive statements only, the process of Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) gives attention to the negative as well as the positive.

This can be hard for some people to take. I had a friend once complain about her son’s behaviour when she was clearly annoyed by it. I suggested she tap for “His voice is so grating!” (which is what she had said moments before) and she was horrified and refused.

“Wouldn’t giving attention to something bad make it worse? I’d rather just ignore it than give it attention!”

Surprisingly, no. It doesn’t make it worse. The reality is the opposite, in fact. When we use EFT in conjunction with a negative feeling, we give it room to evolve into something different so we can feel good again. I visualise the tapping action as an inspection along the meridian lines for anything relating to that negative feeling, calling it to the surface and allowing it the ability to process and shift!

I don’t believe that denying the feelings or trying to cover them up with positive ones does anything to the energy system unless we are engaging it with an energy therapy in conjunction.

Once you have tapped a round of EFT for something negative, the negative feeling reduces. But you do need to be prepared give it attention in order for that to happen. Facing it head on can be scary or intimidating, but it is a short term blip along the path of healing.

Aside from affirmations, there is running away, ignoring, trying to think yourself better, getting drunk or high.. those options don’t give the real problem attention, and so the problem remains.

Feeling good isn’t just about denying the bad.

Feeling good is letting the ‘bad’ surface for air so it can evaporate!

Don’t worry, good practitioners aren’t going to think badly of you if you tap with them for how much you hate your child (or husband, mother, family, life, brain, uterus, left breast etc). Because we know that the hate is a temporary energy blockage, not the truth of the situation or of yourself. We know that the hate needs to shift before you have room for love (here’s an example of this in action).

How do you love someone while hating them? How do you feel positive when you’re annoyed? Reading all the motivational posters in the world cannot change those feelings until you engage the energy body. This is why things like EFT work so well, we are working at the source of the feeling, not trying to change it with our brain or willpower.

If you’d like a session with me to shift your own hatred or negative stuff, email me to arrange. I am very happy to work via Skype!

EFT Case Story – Healing from an abusive relationship

A very raw account of the process of healing an issue related to being in an abusive relationship. After over 10 years of carrying this pain with her, she was able to let it go in four rounds of tapping, using Emotional Freedom Technique. You can contact me at DogRoseHealing@gmail.com to arrange your own session.

My client, Rebecca (not her real name), described that she repeatedly found herself getting anxious, angry and aggressive in situations of conflict instead of being able to talk calmly. She was able to relate it back to a situation in her past where her boyfriend at the time had been aggressive towards her.

I used Forensic EFT with Rebecca to help her source the details. Her energy has remembered the event:

  • Where are you? At our apartment
  • What time of day is it? Daytime
  • What year is it? 2001
  • Where in the apartment are you? In the entry way to the study
  • What are you doing? Trying to leave for work
  • What is he doing? Hiding my keys from me so I can’t leave, blocking my way so I can’t go
  • How are you feeling? Angry, scared, trapped, embarrassed. I have to call my work and tell them I’l be late, but I am in tears. I’m crying. I hate him. I feel embarrassed for being with him as my boyfriend and allowing him to treat me like this.
  • What happens then? I want to hit him, and I do. And I hate myself for being just as much of an asshole as he is to me. He hits me back and then drags me by my hair and then I am on the floor and he kicks my stomach and I am on the bedroom floor crying and he is gone and I am winded and hurting. My cat is watching me from where he is hiding in the closet (scared) and looks concerned and I feel like I have to put on a brave face for him.
  • How would you rate it from -10 to +10? This is -10!

As this is a highly emotive situation to process we use the Aspect Model to give some emotional distance. We decide for Rebecca to tap for “the aspect that hated herself”. Rebecca described her as the one that kept her with someone so awful, the one that hated herself even more after lashing out in a situation she shouldn’t have even ended up in if she had any self-respect. Rebecca said she was so angry at this girl for being there. “She deserved so much better,” Rebecca said, “Why couldn’t she see!!” Rebecca is crying and says that she hasn’t thought about the issue or felt things so clearly since it happened.

After that round Rebecca and I discuss and decide to tap on “the aspect that loved him”. As much as he was unpleasant, there were things that had her enthralled. He made her laugh, he was passionate, assertive, affluent, at times gentle and helpless, desperate for care and attention. There were things that kept that aspect of Rebecca entertained and interested. There were things that she also thought she could change about him, which was an exciting challenge for her. Rebecca says that she feels sick after this round of tapping. Sick in the stomach and a burning like reflux in the throat.

Rebecca talks more with me about this aspect and feels how that aspect should have packed her bags then and there instead of staying for another few years with this loser”. She says: “I feel like I am right there yelling at her to get up and just go while he’s not looking, then somehow get home to her parents’ house, no matter what they say or think about you. I know she is feeling like she doesn’t matter, like life isn’t worth living. She is seeing a GP for depression and I want to shake her so she can see that she isn’t depressed, that there’s nothing wrong with her, that she just has been worn down by being with this awful guy.”

We tap for “the aspect that should have left him”.

When Rebecca thinks back to the situation again, thinking about the aspect that was laying hurt on the floor, she feels that the aspect is brighter and stronger within herself. She recognises that she has some courage and hope again. Rebecca says “I want her to feel supported because I know she wasn’t at the time and the embarrassment comes from a sense of trying to prove herself. Going home or to a friend with her tail between her legs would have admitted failure or defeat and it doesn’t feel like an option. She feels unwanted in general even with that sense of hope. She doesn’t feel like she belongs anywhere at all.”

We decide to tap for “The aspect that felt unsupported”. Rebecca described how she was very emotional during this round of tapping. She said she could easily imagine the aspect get up and go out the door and she kept feeling “She is free, and I am free”. Rebecca was crying but when she was more composed, described how this “feels incredible!”. “He can’t hurt her anymore and the event doesn’t matter anymore, it is gone.”

Rebecca was feeling great and after so many years she was wondering if she could test this issue to see if it were resolved. Whether she would still automatically respond with anger or aggression when faced with conflict. I suggested she take herself back to the moment when she felt like hitting her partner. She said that when she tried to hit him that she felt “energetically barred” from doing so. The aspect of Rebecca at that time is saying “You don’t matter” and is calm, controlled and happy in herself even though he is being offensive and antagonising.

Rebecca describes this as +10 on the SUE scale.

After our session Rebecca contacted me to let me know that she was able to recognise in situations where she might normally have felt aggressive, that she was able to remain calm and the aggression just did not come. It was no longer available as an option for her. She is thrilled by what EFT has done for her!