Scared of Being Happy

I noticed this afternoon that I felt good. That there was nothing I needed or wanted. That I was happy exactly where I was at, and with what I was doing, which was nothing exciting. Just sitting at home. I wasn’t hungry, tired, lonely, bored, cold, uncomfortable. My house wasn’t perfect – I had laundry and crumbs everywhere. My kids had been fighting. I wasn’t immaculately presented. But I was content. Happy!

…And then I got a slight panicked feeling. Feeling that this couldn’t be right. That something would probably happen soon. That I couldn’t possibly feel like this for any length of time. That someone or something was going to upend it.

Thankfully I know that this panic is only energy, so I decided to give it the boot!

My favourite approach when I use Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) for self-healing is to use the Aspect Model and ‘talk’ to the aspect of myself that has a problem and tap on their behalf. It is a very good way to handle problems where there is an inner argument or a clash of beliefs. In this case, there is an aspect that believes that things can’t possibly be problem-free. This aspect believes that happiness and peaceful moments are fleeting. Let’s call them the Pessimist Aspect.

Hey Pessimist Aspect. I know you’re a little concerned right now..

Yes, I’m worried. Waiting for the axe to fall. [I tap for “The aspect is waiting for the axe to fall” and “The aspect is scared of being happy”]

Why don’t you think you could just be happy.. unconditionally?

Because there’s always something! [I tap for “The aspect believes there’s always something”] I just don’t know HOW to be a happy person. I know how to be a broken person and ‘fix’ them, that’s easy. What do happy people do? How do they live? I don’t know how to be happy. [I tap for “The aspect doesn’t know how to be a happy person”]

It feels all new, hey. Exciting!

Yes, definitely. I am excited too. What if everything I ever wanted was here and now but I was too scared or stressed to enjoy it??

Do you feel like you need to have all the answers and know exactly how things will turn out? Can things just flow?

Of course they can. And no I don’t need to have all the answers. I’m looking forward to this unfolding. I’m ready to feel happy. [I tap for “The aspect is ready to be happy”]

So are you happy? Really? Without any niggles?

Yes! Feels good! [For extra buzzy light energy, I tap for “The aspect feels good being happy!”]
Do you have any aspects that freak out about happiness or living a peaceful life?

Being Scared Of The Dark

I’ll admit it, I have long been afraid of the dark.

I have a memory of my Dad taking me outside late one night when I was a child, and by the street lights he stood there on the driveway with me and said “See, everything is the same as during the day, there’s just no light.”  Which is completely true and there’s no logical reason to be scared of the change from light to darkness, yet it persisted. I liked to hide my head under the blankets for ‘safety’.

Even in my 30s I liked to have my bedside lamp on before I could turn the lounge room light off. Heaven forbid something eat me alive on that treacherous 5 metre walk of darkness to the bed. That axe murderer or rapist having patiently waited for hours in my walk-in-robe or ducked down behind the couch, waiting for the cover of darkness to leap out at me.

Silly yes, but the fear was real, irrational or not.

I managed to work around this fear throughout my life, using light from my phone or laptop as a ‘torch’ or protective beam, sticking closely by others in darkness-related social events (not vampirism, night clubbing!), until the ripe old age of 33…

I had worked a long day at work and had an hour train commute ahead of me to get home, and I still had to get to the train station to begin that commute. And I was very keen to get home!

Daylight savings had just finished and without thinking I headed to the train station from the office on my 20 minute walk. But HOLY SHIT, as I stepped out of the office, I noticed that it was pitch black and and really really dark and I really didn’t want to do this! I practically whimpered. I had no one that lived nearby that I could pester for a lift and no other way to get home. My co-worker finished hours later than me. I was stuck. It was so dark that my mobile phone torch/’laser beam’ was useless. And anyway would that not draw attention to me from the cockroach-like crims that come out at night? I just had to walk it. One step at a time!

That 20 minute walk took FOREVER. I was breathing shallowly and frantically calling my husband so I would be speaking to someone before I got stabbed in a freak gang attack or pushed into the river by a druglord. He didn’t answer! I gasped inwardly every time I saw a shadow on the path with me, breathing sighs of relief when it was just a fellow commuter going about their business or someone walking their dog or jogging (YES, SAME AS DAYTIME, YOU IDIOT!). I could have kissed the train station attendant when I finally got there! It was good to be alive!

SO after this ordeal I decided it was time for me to own this and resolve it.

The next shift that I worked, I was ready for home time and the trek in the dark! I took some deep breaths before stepping out into the darkness.

I recognised that I could really use the darkness to my advantage and tap (using Emotional Freedom Technique of course) pretty much constantly on the walk.

I began tapping for “Calm” and just tried to relax myself because my imagination would run riot the more I got stressed! I then tapped for whatever came to mind, or rather, came to feeling. Things like “Scared shitless!”, “Worried I’ll get hurt”, “Vulnerable”, “Unsafe”. And I was doing it, I was walking that walk in the dark. I wasn’t feeling completely fearless, but I was doing it and breathing easier and not fearing for my safety quite so much.

And then a massive freight train went by on my right with its many many carriages holding shipping containers. KER CHUNCK KER CHUNK KER CHUNK KER CHUNK! was the noise it made.  “Wow that was loud.. so loud that it might muffle noises of someone yelling.. No one would hear them if they were being attacked..”. And as I was thinking this and looking at this freight train while walking, a generator rumbled loudly to life on my left. I practically jumped. “What the f*ck was that!!!!”. If you can imagine what it feels like to scream on the inside, that’s what I was doing!

It was pure heightened emotion that I could absolutely use with EFT! (the stronger the emotion the better!) So I kept tapping away while freaking out. And a block later I was laughing. 🙂

You’ll be pleased to know that I still do that walk to the train station in the dark and I am no longer afraid. There is a peacefulness and settledness I’ve noticed in the darkness that the daytime doesn’t seem to have. I do still keep myself aware of what’s going on around me while I’m walking, as one should do on a city street in the darkness, but there is no longer an all consuming fear. I don’t think twice about needing a light to get to the bedroom and the ‘phone torch’ is only to stop me tripping over things.

Any other scaredy cats out there? Try EFT!

EFT Case Story – Healing from an abusive relationship

A very raw account of the process of healing an issue related to being in an abusive relationship. After over 10 years of carrying this pain with her, she was able to let it go in four rounds of tapping, using Emotional Freedom Technique. You can contact me at to arrange your own session.

My client, Rebecca (not her real name), described that she repeatedly found herself getting anxious, angry and aggressive in situations of conflict instead of being able to talk calmly. She was able to relate it back to a situation in her past where her boyfriend at the time had been aggressive towards her.

I used Forensic EFT with Rebecca to help her source the details. Her energy has remembered the event:

  • Where are you? At our apartment
  • What time of day is it? Daytime
  • What year is it? 2001
  • Where in the apartment are you? In the entry way to the study
  • What are you doing? Trying to leave for work
  • What is he doing? Hiding my keys from me so I can’t leave, blocking my way so I can’t go
  • How are you feeling? Angry, scared, trapped, embarrassed. I have to call my work and tell them I’l be late, but I am in tears. I’m crying. I hate him. I feel embarrassed for being with him as my boyfriend and allowing him to treat me like this.
  • What happens then? I want to hit him, and I do. And I hate myself for being just as much of an asshole as he is to me. He hits me back and then drags me by my hair and then I am on the floor and he kicks my stomach and I am on the bedroom floor crying and he is gone and I am winded and hurting. My cat is watching me from where he is hiding in the closet (scared) and looks concerned and I feel like I have to put on a brave face for him.
  • How would you rate it from -10 to +10? This is -10!

As this is a highly emotive situation to process we use the Aspect Model to give some emotional distance. We decide for Rebecca to tap for “the aspect that hated herself”. Rebecca described her as the one that kept her with someone so awful, the one that hated herself even more after lashing out in a situation she shouldn’t have even ended up in if she had any self-respect. Rebecca said she was so angry at this girl for being there. “She deserved so much better,” Rebecca said, “Why couldn’t she see!!” Rebecca is crying and says that she hasn’t thought about the issue or felt things so clearly since it happened.

After that round Rebecca and I discuss and decide to tap on “the aspect that loved him”. As much as he was unpleasant, there were things that had her enthralled. He made her laugh, he was passionate, assertive, affluent, at times gentle and helpless, desperate for care and attention. There were things that kept that aspect of Rebecca entertained and interested. There were things that she also thought she could change about him, which was an exciting challenge for her. Rebecca says that she feels sick after this round of tapping. Sick in the stomach and a burning like reflux in the throat.

Rebecca talks more with me about this aspect and feels how that aspect should have packed her bags then and there instead of staying for another few years with this loser”. She says: “I feel like I am right there yelling at her to get up and just go while he’s not looking, then somehow get home to her parents’ house, no matter what they say or think about you. I know she is feeling like she doesn’t matter, like life isn’t worth living. She is seeing a GP for depression and I want to shake her so she can see that she isn’t depressed, that there’s nothing wrong with her, that she just has been worn down by being with this awful guy.”

We tap for “the aspect that should have left him”.

When Rebecca thinks back to the situation again, thinking about the aspect that was laying hurt on the floor, she feels that the aspect is brighter and stronger within herself. She recognises that she has some courage and hope again. Rebecca says “I want her to feel supported because I know she wasn’t at the time and the embarrassment comes from a sense of trying to prove herself. Going home or to a friend with her tail between her legs would have admitted failure or defeat and it doesn’t feel like an option. She feels unwanted in general even with that sense of hope. She doesn’t feel like she belongs anywhere at all.”

We decide to tap for “The aspect that felt unsupported”. Rebecca described how she was very emotional during this round of tapping. She said she could easily imagine the aspect get up and go out the door and she kept feeling “She is free, and I am free”. Rebecca was crying but when she was more composed, described how this “feels incredible!”. “He can’t hurt her anymore and the event doesn’t matter anymore, it is gone.”

Rebecca was feeling great and after so many years she was wondering if she could test this issue to see if it were resolved. Whether she would still automatically respond with anger or aggression when faced with conflict. I suggested she take herself back to the moment when she felt like hitting her partner. She said that when she tried to hit him that she felt “energetically barred” from doing so. The aspect of Rebecca at that time is saying “You don’t matter” and is calm, controlled and happy in herself even though he is being offensive and antagonising.

Rebecca describes this as +10 on the SUE scale.

After our session Rebecca contacted me to let me know that she was able to recognise in situations where she might normally have felt aggressive, that she was able to remain calm and the aggression just did not come. It was no longer available as an option for her. She is thrilled by what EFT has done for her!