EFT Case Story: Not interested in having sex and being intimate

My client explained that she was having issues with sex and intimacy with her husband. She found the thought of being intimate with him off-putting, it made her feel sick. She felt “creeped out” by it. She said it had been this way for a long time. They had children very quickly into the relationship (their first child was conceived several weeks after having first met), and she suffered with morning sickness through both of her pregnancies and also was not wanting to be intimate while she was still breastfeeding.

As her children have got older, she has realised that sex was an issue for her. She used to have a high sex drive, but now doesn’t want to do it at all. She feels like she doesn’t want to “give it to him, as he’s not earnt it”. She just wants him to go away and describes how she feels that she has a shield up. A heavy, thick, solid shield from her stomach area. She said that he had been hurtful with his words in the past and she has had a barrier up since then.

We firstly tapped for “Calm” to de-stress and also to teach her how to do a round of EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). She felt quite relaxed after this.

When she thought about the issue of intimacy, she felt she would rate it as -1 on the SUE scale. The way she would describe it is that she is trapped, cornered, and has not many choices. That either he will get frustrated and seek sex elsewhere or leave her, or she had to make herself do it. But she didn’t want to force things for herself either. We tapped for “Trapped“.

While tapping for “Trapped”, she was reminded of all the things that he does for the family that are positive and that he is a good guy, a good dad, a good person. He cooks and cleans regularly and spends time with the kids.

From seeing him more in this light, she was able to relate her feelings about sex back to an incident where they had tried to have sex soon after childbirth and she knew that she wasn’t completely ready. It was awkward and uncomfortable and she described that she felt violated as a result. At around the same time, her brother-in-law had died and her husband was very unsupportive of her through this and had very little empathy.

She said she was able to see now that they are “in this together”, that it’s a problem for the both of them to work on together, rather than just an issue for her. That she has his support now and he is not who he used to be.

When she thought about being intimate now she rated the strength of feeling as +1. Together we tapped for “Violated” when she thought back to the sexual encounter soon after childbirth. She felt that this shifted while we tapped, she struggled to think of it towards the end of the tapping round.

She recognised that they needed to engage and talk about this situation. She felt that she was freeer and that there was no barrier anymore! She rated her feeling as +2 or +3.

We decided to tap for how she wanted to feel about sex with her husband and we chose “Free and excited“, which evolved into “Free and excited, and CAN’T WAIT!” and was lots of fun. My own husband may or may not receive ‘borrowed benefits’ from this session.. 😉  While tapping for this, she recognised that there was a fear of falling pregnant again that was putting her off also, and that she needed to make some more permanent choices for contraception.

My client is now able to visualise the two of them together intimately. She can see how she has been closing him out and that he has been trying to be mature and work together with her to improve things. She can see that he has a fun side and maybe she has been too serious, that they make a good team to balance each other out. She could also recognise that she may have been using sex as part of a power play – one part of her life where she was able to control the situation. She rates the issue at +5 now, which is fantastic!

We decide to tap on that sense of fun and having that with her husband: “Fun with John“. She found herself thinking about a family dinner tonight and how they can just have fun together and not worry about any drama.

She now rates the feeling about being intimate with him as +8 or +9! She said she could visualise going home and giving him a big passionate kiss. Where usually she struggles to just give him a peck on the cheek. A passionate kiss is not what she would normally do at all, and she can see that it’s something they’ve both been missing. A void in their lives.

My client felt as though the issue had lifted and was no longer a problem for her, which I am delighted to hear and be a part of!

Afterword:

It is easy to see from this case story where someone could easily try to push themselves to do something they don’t want to do, without resolving the reasons as to why they aren’t wanting to do it in the first place.

A much easier and gentler way is to evolve the “I don’t want to” into “Hmm I might want to” and then keep evolving into maybe “I do want to” and then “Wow I really really want to, can I please??”. No forcing necessary when you release the energetic reversals! It becomes easy and natural and you live the truth of yourself rather than fight against those instincts that are trying to tell you something.

If you’d like to book your own session with me to evolve your own things that are stuck and resisting, contact me via email at info@dogrosehealing.com!

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Stress And The Energy Body

What’s The Big Deal About Energy Body Stress?

What does stress mean to you? Some examples that come to my mind:

Clenched fists, tense jaw, tight shoulders, pacing the room, screaming, wanting to tear hair out/punch something or someone, crying, wanting to hurt oneself, panic attack, temper tantrums, making mistakes trying to do something too quickly, finding it hard to sit and pay attention, having to re-read things several times before they absorb, not being able to sit still, breathing shallowly, faster pulse.

All of those things are symptoms of stress, and I’m sure there are many more. As well as those isolated symptoms, some mental/emotional disorders can have stress as a contributor. With heightened stress, the physical body is under strain and the energy body is also under strain.

As an energist, I’m here to talk about the energy body only. In energy terms we feel the world through a layer of stress and we may respond to this stress layer rather than be able to see the genuine issues. We act irrationally as far as the outside world is concerned, but very rationally indeed if the stress layer was our true reality. And at those points in time, the stress to our energy bodies is so BIG and surmounting that it may as well be real.

Stress doesn’t only affect ourselves. It has flow-on effects to all of our relationships and experiences. Our parent-child relationships, client-professional relationships, how we drive, how we work, how we live, how we sleep and how we learn.

The potential for energy body stress to fuck up our lives is HUGE. This is why it is so important to be aware of it and give it attention and energy. I cannot express enough how much reducing energy stress alone (even with no other changes) could make a positive difference to our lives.

So What Can We Do?

We are not trapped in this state however, and heightened stress isn’t essential for a full life. De-stressing the energy body (with flow-on to the physical one) is as easy as using Emotional Freedom Technique and tapping for phrases such as ‘Stress’ itself, or ‘Calm’, ‘Peace’, ‘Relax’.. any word that has the impact of relaxing you. The simpler the better. Tap along to my video using the word or phrase of your choice at each point. You can tap to de-stress at any time and any occasion: In the car at the side of the road after a near-miss, in the toilet at a dinner party with someone you clash with, prior to a job interview. You can even tap silently with that pressing feeling of stress doing all the ‘talking’ for you, you don’t necessarily need to use words for EFT to work. Your thoughts and intentions speak volumes. Using words out loud is recommended for focusing if you are new to EFT however.

What Can I Do To Reduce Stress Levels In My (Family) Life More Permanently?
So what if you are tapping to de-stress multiple times a day and yet you’re still under the weight of stress and struggling in general? You might recognise for a moment that you feel better, but due to things that arise in your environment, or ongoing issues, you are back to feeling stressed soon after. The de-stressing absolutely assists in the heat of the moment, but it pays to look further into things rather than just keep skimming the top off the stress pile.

Consider these top 7 stressors in family life:

1. Sex life of alpha couple
2. General alignment of alpha couple on common goals and values
3. Money
4. Health/mental health concerns in the nuclear family
5. Social status/societal expectation/work
6. Family/social relationships (excluding nuclear family)
7. Long term worries (of any kind)

These things impacting us are likely to mean that when additional unpredictable stresses occur (the car breaks down, we’re running late for an appointment, we have a broken night’s sleep) that our coping ability is severely impacted and we are more likely to display one or more of the symptoms of stress above.

We are all different and are going to have our own histories and beliefs, however tools such as EFT cater for our differences and allow an individual path forward through these issues.

So look at each entry there in the list. How does the topic name itself make you feel? What does it remind you of? If you read it and feel positive and flowing energy, that’s fantastic! Go onto the next list item. BUT – if you read it and you think “Hmm maybe there’s something there..”, or feel any kind of tension, then go with that feeling and look at it further. What’s the ‘something’? Whatever resistance is there is going to benefit from attention and energy work.

Some of you may look at the list and instantly recognise what is probably impacting on your family, but may feel that the stressors in are unchangeable and therefore the ‘somethings’ and resistances are there to stay. You may feel defeated in terms of your lot in life and a little like “Why bother?”. To those people, I ask you this: What have you got to lose by focusing attention on these things and letting them evolve as they will? Anything that is true, real and permanent is not something that EFT or any other energy work can shift. In fact energy work is to help you to be your true self, without layers of energy disruptions in the way. So you literally have nothing to lose in the sense of who you are, your identity and your inner self. And what you gain is up to you! The process of tapping takes 2 minutes approximately and you may notice improvement in as little as one or two rounds of that.

Care to give yourself 2 minutes of loving attention that might just make your whole life easier?

It’s a very interesting experience and well worth the time. I would love to hear from you! I’ll be continuing to blog the journey of looking at my own stressors as part of improving my son’s behaviour and the feel of my household.

Where Do I Feel This Problem In My Body?

I recently did an exercise for something that I was hesitant about due to fear. I knew the fear was there but of course telling myself to not be afraid was doing ab-so-lute-ly NOTHING. (surprised? I’m not! My energy body says “I need more information please! Why should I stop being scared!? Nope, not gonna stop until I believe it’s okay!”). I will honestly explain that the fear related to sex with my husband and fearing being vulnerable, which I had recognised as a problem in general, not specifically to him. I feared being vulnerable around others also. So I asked my (very very patient, caring and open-minded) husband to play a bit of a game with me and come up with scenarios relating to the fears and then I would gauge my responses on those scenarios as information to use in conjunction with energy work. Energy work is somewhat of a heart to heart connection with the energy body to shift the underlying issue.

I don’t need to tell you what the scenarios were (I’m sure you can imagine.. things like “So I have my <insert body part> and it is <insert location of body part>” and “What if you were <insert position> and I was <insert position/action>” – Hmm lots of inserting there…. ;)), but my husband posed many of them. This was pretty funny at times and confronting at others, but it’s only energy of course! For each of the scenarios I asked myself:

Where do I feel this in my body?

I was looking for any resistance, any tension, anything blocking energy flow. And for almost every single one, I felt it in my stomach. A ball that felt like a knot just sitting there quite heavily. I hadn’t noticed this before and was glad to be giving it attention now. It is never too late, you see. We are never stuck with our fears, burdens, issues, discomforts. I don’t believe in “That’s just how I am” when it comes to negative stuff, such as inability to relax and enjoy sex, but also in things like attitude, beliefs and behaviours. Anyway – as the exercise went on, I did notice that the ball got smaller in size and lessened in weight, but it still made its presence known.

 

I gave some focused attention to that ball and used EFT for it (Energy EFT to be precise, this is an application of the Body Protocol which you can learn more about in Dr Silvia Hartmann’s amazing book ‘Energy EFT’ – http://dragonrising.com/store/energy_eft/).

I had my partner propose scenarios to me again. Again I asked:

Where do I feel this in my body?

and I noticed that a response in my body had moved down and felt like it was now in my ovaries. Shining and pulsing. Interesting feeling! I should explain that you could do this exercise solo but having a partner is helpful in situations which relate to unexpected or unplanned things and investigating your natural response. I could create scenarios in my mind but I might choose ‘safer’ scenarios inadvertently. You could also help your partner in return for something they are fearing (or dreading, or worrying about) and both benefit. I did this for my husband, also related to sex.

So I tapped for the feeling in the ovaries next. Aiming to improve energy flow and allowing for the energy in response to the situation to just flow through me instead of getting stuck along the way.

My husband retried the scenarios. I listened with my conscious mind (which made me laugh and giggle) as well as my energy mind:

Where do I feel this in my body?

My energy felt stuck again and I felt as though my energy wanted to flow down and come out between my legs but was stuck there and not releasing. So I tapped for this feeling at my vagina and could feel energy flow improve significantly while I did the tapping! Amazing feeling! I was excited for this to shift so obviously.

I asked my husband to test the scenarios again and there was no stuck feeling at all, just good energy flow. Woo hoo!

So later I decided to test this situation in reality. 😉 And I felt no fear. Nothing holding me back or occupying my thoughts or keeping me from enjoying the moment. I felt freedom and it was as if I had never had this problem. Although in reality I knew that this problem had been plaguing me for some time. After the event I am feeling even more freedom now – I faced the situation and clearly survived and I feel great! I’m so up for more testing! 🙂

So aside from sex, you can try this exercise on anything. Some examples:

* I am about to take a plane trip and the thought fills me with dread – Where? In your stomach? In your chest? Tap for “This feeling in my stomach” or “This heaviness in my chest”.

* It is late evening and I am heading to the pantry with the intention of eating a block of chocolate/heading to the fridge for a second bottle of wine that I know I don’t really want. Stop and feel what is going on in your body. Where’s the feeling? What does it feel like? Now tap for it “This ache in my _____”, “This _____ I feel in my hands”.

* I dream of being a physiotherapist/astronaut/accountant/hairdresser/world famous cyclist but when I consider how I might begin to get to that point I start to feel panicky. Where’s the feeling? Is it pressure in your head? Tingling in your feet? Tap for it. “These prickles on my ____ “, “This pain in my ____”.

And if it’s something you feel in your entire body, then use it too. Just craft your statement to match your feeling. Shift the heaviness, tension, discomfort. Then look again and see where it is. Maybe it’s more specific now, maybe it’s smaller. If it’s still there, use it.

Your body is giving you these clues with love. Listen, feel and take positive action. ❤

The Tower – Lost In the Woods

Prior to the previous post where I wrote about a wall that was in the way of having a fulfilling sex life, I had been thinking about sex in terms of energy and what happens along the way. I had read about, and been intrigued by tantric sex. My understanding of it is mindfulness of sexual energy and of each other. I like the concept.

So the next time I had a sexual encounter I had the thought about sexual energy and how it might rise, fall, expand, shift during. I could feel my energy was stuck at my lower back. I talked with my husband about it and asked if he could feel his and he said it went all the way up his spine to the top of his head, and then back down to the base of his spine (or thereabouts). It moved quite quickly. He said his felt stuck inside him where mine didn’t even get a chance to ‘start’.

So we began an energy habitat exercise for ourselves. “If that sexual energy was a place in time and space, where would it be?”

For me it was me being lost in the woods, cold, dark, afraid. Dark sky but stars, lots of trees. For Andrew it was a tower with lights going up and down it. He felt locked in.

So I was in the woods and my feeling was fear. I didn’t want to do anything because I was scared to. I was scared to take a step in any direction.  I created myself a torch in my pocket to try and help me find my way. But once I had the torch in my hand, I was too scared to turn it on because I thought I would attract things to me that I didn’t want, like a wolf or something.

I wanted something to guarantee that I’d be safe. My husband suggested a protective pendant around my neck. I was thinking about a gun lol. He said he saw me with a stone pendant around my neck and the pendant had a triangle symbol on it. What he didn’t know was that I had recently seen a triangle symbol pendant in another habitat experience..

So – amulet on, torch turned on. I feel braver. Safer. I move forward and there’s a clearing ahead with lights. Which I suspect is the tower. I freak out and panic. I don’t know if I want to move forward. I create a tent and set it up, and decide to stay put for awhile. During this whole time I can feel the energy rising up and it’s about at the solar plexus height.

I tapped for fear and courage. I then packed up the tent again and decided to keep going. I then found the tower. I felt too scared to enter the tower (what’s in there, what will I find, what will I see, what will happen to me, will I ever come out?) so set up the tent again outside it and stayed there overnight.

The next day I am not afraid. I’m there again and I knock on the door and I hear footsteps coming. I’m a little scared of what’s coming. It’s my husband’s aspect and he opens the door and lets me in. He leads me through corridors without windows and I am afraid of being trapped and not being able to get out. He tells me (the real husband, as we’re talking about it together at the time) that his tower has windows all around the building. So there are suddenly windows (these habitats rock like that!) and I’m feeling safer. Less trapped. I’m in an elevator and we take it up to the roof of the tower.

Up on the roof it is a flat space surrounded by trees on one side and on the other side is a beautiful view. We’re looking down into a valley full of trees, and can see a mountain range on the other side. A mild breeze is blowing, it’s comfortable. I feel great here. Not afraid.

It’s at this point my husband starts talking about how his energy self is afraid of letting go and being itself because I might not like who he is or what he says or does. We talked and tapped – I won’t go into that here but it was a breakthrough for him.

Our aspects ended up taking flight from the top of the tower. Together hand-in-hand we fly around the area. It is free and envigorating and exciting. 🙂

Another Stressor Given Attention

Is that a boring enough title? Because another top contributor of stress in a family on the list I am working through is: Sex life of the alpha couple. Dun dun duhhhhh! 😉

While this is a personal subject matter, my clients get pretty personal with me and I’m not afraid to share. Sex it’s a natural part of life and a natural part of a healthy adult relationship and an important topic of healing. The energetic/emotional components should be given attention when things just aren’t working and are so often forgotten or ignored. Libido isn’t just about the sex organs or using willpower or schedules to make it happen. We’re not robots. The usual options when couples aren’t connecting in the bedroom seem to be to force it and fake it or to avoid it completely. I choose neither! I’ve tried and failed with those options. I choose to improve energy flow in relation to sex and remove anything that might be preventing swinging-from-the-chandelier, firework inducing, amazing, fun, <insert adjective of your choice here> sex!

So I read out this entry on the stressor list to my husband. He said even the words (“Sex life of the alpha couple”) got him excited. So I suspect his energy is flowing just fine! To me even reading the entry on the list filled me with.. a feeling. A feeling of wanting to be protected. This wasn’t exactly a surprise to me but the clarity of seeing this was intriguing. I was ready to look into it further.

So the way I approached this was with a variation on the energy habitats I’ve been talking about. I simply wondered what a visual representation of the issues with our sex life would be, with the intention of being shown them, and BANG, there it was: We were sitting on the couch at opposite ends facing each other and I ‘saw’ a thick piece of glass or clear plastic between his ‘aspect’ and my ‘aspect’. I wasn’t sure why this was here or how to shift it but it wasn’t going anywhere in a hurry. I told my husband about the glass and he scurried off to find an energetic blowtorch somewhere. Just kidding. This was my glass to sort out. 🙂

Even through the day as I got side tracked and did other things I still saw that glass following me around and sitting between my husband and I. I actually kind of liked it there (anyone who has had their heart broken before will understand this) but I knew it needed to go if things were to change in that department. My relationship with this glass went in stages over the day:

  • First it was just there and the aspect was hanging back and looking at it. Observing.
  • Then I felt the aspect had their nose pressed up against it looking through at my husband’s aspect. I knew it had to go and was more confident in allowing it to happen.
  • The aspect had their hands up on it. They wanted to get through it. And it felt like the warmth of their hands and intention of shifting it was melting and thinning out the glass.

Oh so slowly though. Painfully slowly. But at last the glass was gone!

When I then reconsidered the “Sex life of the alpha couple” entry, my aspect had her hands firmly over her heart now. As though her heart was exposed and raw and needed shielding and protection. She was NOT letting anyone in. Even the thought of considering releasing this protection made me feel upset. It was obvious to me that a big issue here was willingness to be open and to allow my partner in and I wasn’t able to do that with this protection in place.

The thought of the aspect letting her hands down filled her/me with fear and dread. So I took a good look at what doing that would mean. It might mean that I would get hurt. It might mean that I would be exposed to whatever my partner decided to inflict upon me. Yet I had to wonder, did I not trust my partner? I knew that I did. I knew that I loved him and that he was a gentle and kind person – that it was more of a perceived fear. Of what could happen. Stuck in what had happened before and the possibility of it happening again. But who wants to live trapped by coulds?

So I used EFT here and tapped away the fear and also tapped to improve my trust in his gentle caretaking of my heart, and also in my being open from the heart. Allowing him in. Allowing love in. I felt a warm rush to the heart after this, and my whole body felt buzzy and alive. This feeling (called a Healing Event) is why I love energy work. A natural high.. and it was completely free. I also love the ability to take charge of my life and not be a victim to past hurts forever and ever, potentially missing out on the parts that would never have hurt me anyway.

Not only was there a shift relating to my husband, making changes relating to openness and trust had everything feel as though it was softened and I felt more compassionate and gentle towards everyone in my family.

Now we just have to wait until my husband gets over his cold… Hmm, energetic reversal on his part perhaps?? 🙂